法意PHIGROUP

Commentary by Mark Gilbert
April 23 (Bloomberg) -- Tomorrow, the U.S. authorities are scheduled to disclose the methodology for the stress tests that will gauge the creditworthiness of the 19 largest U.S. banks. Below are a few examples of the kinds of searching, penetrating questions the Treasury Department should ask. Some sections have point scores. Others will be judged more subjectively.
4月23日【彭博】--美國政府預定週五公佈19家銀行財務風險測試的研究方法。在此列出一些美國財政部應該質問受檢銀行的問題。其中有些題目有具體的得(扣)分指示，其他則是比較需要主觀判斷的題目。

(1) Award your institution five points for every ex-Goldman Sachs Group Inc. manager on your board. Double that tally if former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan ever took part in a private conference call for your favorite clients. Lose all points if the head of your executive compensation committee has a worse golf handicap than your chief executive officer.
(1)如果你們銀行董事成員中，有人曾任高盛高階主管，就可以得到5分。如果你們還曾請到前聯儲會主席葛林斯潘，參加銀行貴賓級客戶的私人電話會議，就可再得5分。
不過，如果你們銀行主管薪酬委員會主席的高爾夫球球技不如執行長
的話，那很抱歉，就一分也沒有。

(2) This week, an anonymously sourced blog entry said the government’s stress test would show that 16 of the 19 banks in the study are technically insolvent, with none of the 16 able to survive a disruption of their cash flow or additional defaults on their loans. On hearing this, your first reaction was:

(a) Please, please, please let me be in the threesome. I’ve worked like a dog selling assets and raising capital.

(b) Please, please, please let me be in the 16. I’m tired and I’d like to spend more time with my money.

(c) Only 16? Surely some mistake . . .
(2)本週有個發言來源匿名的部落格指出，美國政府的銀行財務體質測試結果將顯示，在19家受檢銀行中，16家已「技術破產」。也就是說，這16家銀行都無法承受更多現金流量減損或放款呆帳。
聽到這個消息，你第一個反應是:

(a)拜託、拜託，讓我擠進僅有三個名額的安全名單中。這些日子以來，我已經累得像條狗一樣，四處張羅努力處分資產、募集資金。

(b)拜託、拜託，讓我成為這16家技術破產銀行的一員。我已經心力交瘁，而且也想多留一點時間陪伴我的「money」(不是family)。

(c)只有16家嗎?一定搞錯了. . .

(3) Your accounts are audited by:
(a) Pricewaterhouse Coopers LLP.
(b) Ernst & Young LLP.
(c) Deloitte & Touche LLP.
(d) Moe, Larry and Curly in Rockland County, New York.

(3)你們銀行的會計稽核人是:
(a) Pricewaterhouse Coopers LLP.
(b) Ernst & Young LLP.
(c) Deloitte & Touche LLP.
(d) 活寶三人組Moe, Larry and Curly (美國50、60年代經典喜劇)

(4) A mob gathers at the doors of your institution. Your instinctive reaction is that:

(a) Barbarian rioters, led by Naomi Klein, are at the gates demanding the end of capitalism.

(b) Your customers have finally lost patience with counting their losses and are demanding your head on a plate.

(c) All those derivatives specialists you fired last month have finally found their collective spines and want to reclaim the portion of your previous bonuses that their spreadsheet- shuffling was responsible for generating.
(4)如果你們銀行門口聚集一些群眾，你直覺的反應是:

(a) Naomi Klein(作家，反全球化運動領導人物)率領一群野蠻人來要求終結資本主義。

(b)你們的客戶終於受不了損失不斷擴大，要來找你算帳。

(c)你們上個月開除的衍生性商品專家終於有勇氣出面，想要回他們「應得」的紅利。

(5) Gather your board members around the executive table, and make them bare their wrists. Lose 2 points for every wristwatch with a retail price of more than $5,000. Lose 50 points for any board member who owns the Breitling Emergency model that claims to summon the international rescue services at the push of a button. Lose 100 points if he has ever accidentally pressed the button and had to pay for the helicopter.

(5)把你們銀行的董事都找來，要求大家解開袖口。如果有董事的手錶售價超過五千美元，就會被扣2分。

如果有董事的手錶是Breitling Emergency這款號稱按鈕就可召來國際救援的名錶，就要被扣50分。

如果他曾經不小心誤觸這個按鈕，不僅勞師動眾，還得吸收昂貴的直昇機出動成本，就要扣100分。

(6) Gain 10 points if you, the current CEO, have been asked to be or already are:

(a) a member of the U.S. Treasury.

(b) an employee of the Federal Reserve.

(c) Bo’s pooper-scooper. 

(6) 身為現任執行長的你如果曾受邀擔任或已擔任以下職務者，加10分：
(a) 美國財政部的一員。
(b) 聯邦儲備理事會的員工。
(c) 美國第一狗Bo的撿糞鏟。

(7) Your current company vehicle is:
(a) a Cessna Citation X jet.
(b) a Maybach limousine.
(c) a Toyota Prius
(d) a Segway scooter.
(e) a rusty bicycle.

(7) 貴公司目前的交通工具:
(a) Cessna Citation X型噴射商務飛機。
(b) Maybach 豪華禮車。
(c) 豐田Prius小型車。
(d) 賽格威(Segway)電動個人載具。
(e) 生鏽的腳踏車。

(8) Which best describes your ability to sell bonds on the international capital markets without the benefit of a U.S. government guarantee?

(a) Bill Gross backs up the truck and says “fill ‘er up.”

(b) Bill Gross laughs so hard that he snorts coffee out of his nose and down the front of his shirt. 

(8) 下列何者最能描述你不靠美國政府擔保，就能在國際資本市場銷售債券？
(a) 葛洛斯開了一輛貨車，邊倒車邊大喊「裝滿車子」。
(b) 葛洛斯笑到咖啡從鼻子噴出來，弄髒他的襯衫。

(9) Timothy Geithner says the “vast majority” of the nation’s banks have more capital than they need. Your response is:
(a) Which nation is he talking about? ‘Cos it certainly isn’t the U.S. of A.
(b) What is he smoking and where can I get some?
(c) You laugh so hard you snort coffee out of your nose.

(9) 蓋特納說，全國「絕大多數」銀行的資本足敷所需。你的反應是：
(a)他在講哪個國家？當然絕對不是「沒力兼惑眾國」。
(b)他抽什麼牌子的菸，哪裡可以買得到？
(c)笑到咖啡從鼻子噴出來。

(10) Your institution is positioned to remain solvent in a world economy resembling that of:
(a) the past decade.
(b) Japan.
(c) Cuba.
(d) Zimbabwe.

(10) 你所屬機構希望在一個像什麼的世界經濟中保持償債能力:
(a) 過去十年。
(b) 日本。
(c) 古巴。
(d) 辛巴威。

(11) Lose 10 points if your CEO plays bridge. Lose another 10 points if he’s up to tournament standard.
(11) 你的執行長如果打橋牌，扣10分。如果他的實力達競賽水準，
再扣10分。

(12) Lose five points for each of the following:
(a) The words “never sleeps” feature in your slogan.
(b) There’s an umbrella in your logo.
(c) The name of your institution begins with “C” and ends with “itigroup.”
(12) 如有下列情況者，每項扣五分:
(a) 你的公司廣告語裡有「永不眠」的字樣。
(b) 你的公司標誌有支雨傘。
(c) 你的公司名稱以「花」開頭，以「旗集團」結尾。

(Mark Gilbert是彭博專欄作家，言論僅代表個人)
(Mark Gilbert is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions expressed are his own.)